Never mind, I forgot the part where I go insane if I don't post. I am getting a distinct and unpleasant sense of writing in a vacuum, for no onethis thing I do all day seems to have absolutely no bearing on the external world. The fact that money shows up in my mailbox every month does not seem at all connected to the writing. I just feel like I stumbled upon a sunken galleon or something, and am now squandering the treasure with no thought of consequences. One agent has expressed interest in seeing the finished manuscript, but who knows what that means. It's pretty incredible that after all this time I still have so little confidence in the basic value of the act. It feels Sisyphean right now, and I know the prose is slippingI read sentences back to myself, and it's comical how clunky they are. In efforts to escape the blockage I have tried to write in other locales, with limited success:
Can I write it in a bar?
Can I write it in my car?
Can I write it in the park?
Can I write it in the dark?
Can I write in a café?
I hate this fucking book, I say!
It may not be finished by Halloween. When I think about it my heart rate elevates and my throat closes up. At times I suspect that I've taken completely the wrong direction and the only thing I'm any good at is farce. Certainly those are the only things I've done that anyone outside a graduate writing program seems to enjoy: the satirical play about the psychiatrist and the Grim Reaper, the pirate penguin movie, the song about pedophiles that I wrote when I was eighteen and which all of Tucson seems to have started singing in my absence. I've been having psychosomatic West Nile virus all week.
Also note: one cannot meet people in this city. I have all kinds of relationships with fascinating women, and without exception they are conducted via mail and occasionally the telephone. I swear to God, it's like being in the Army.
Anyway, because it all hurts and because I needed the satisfaction of something that could be finished in an evening and because the car has a working tape deck for the first time in aeons, I made a bunch of drive tapes. I'm quite happy with themI can't hope to out-eclectic the college DJs out there, but the sequencing was done with care and vim. If anyone else is still ghetto enough to use tape decks on a regular basis, I'm all about trading copies for anything inexpensive and exciting that can be sent through the mail.
Vertu Engedred is the Flour: One
BrahmsSymphony No. 4 in E minor (South German Philharmonic Orchestra)
SchubertAuf dem Flusse (Dietrich Fischer-Dieskau, Gerald Moore)
BeethovenString Quartet No. 15 in A minor (Vermeer Quartet)
Vertu Engedred is the Flour: Two
WilcoFar, Far Away
The HivesIntroduce the Metric System in Time
Talking HeadsStay Up Late
Johnny CashCocaine Blues
The White StripesLet's Build a Home
Louis Armstrong and Duke EllingtonI'm Just a Lucky So-and-So
Belle and SebastianIs It Wicked Not to Care?
Cat PowerNaked if I Want To
Nick DrakeDay Is Done
Elvis CostelloThe Beat
Billie HolidayI'm a Fool to Want You
Modest MouseWild Packs of Family Dogs
Mission of BurmaThat's How I Escaped My Certain Fate
The ClashSpanish Bombs
Charles MingusOh Lord Don't Let Them Drop That Atomic Bomb on Me
WilcoOutta Mind (Outta Sight)
The Magnetic FieldsStrange Powers
The Flaming LipsPsychiatric Explorations of the Fetus with Needles
The Modern LoversGovernment Center
Neutral Milk HotelGardenhead
Cowboy JunkiesWorking on a Building
RadioheadLife in a Glasshouse
Vertu Engedred is the Flour: Three
Charles MingusII B.S.
Louis Armstrong and His All-StarsDardanella
Miles DavisThe Meaning of the Blues/Lament
Charles MingusBoogie Stomp Shuffle
Charles MingusHora Decubitus
Dave BrubeckStrange Meadow Lark
Arnold SchoenbergColumbine (Jan DeGaetani)
Arnold SchoenbergSprich nicht immer (Jan DeGaetani)
icuCan't You Even Remember That?
RadioheadLike Spinning Plates
CanI'm So Green
Charles MingusHog Callin' Blues
Johnny CashI Still Miss Someone
Guided by VoicesLittle Lines
The SmithsSweet and Tender Hooligan
The HivesKnock Knock
Modest MousePerfect Disguise
Arvo PärtSilouans Song (Tallinn Chamber Orchestra, Tõnu Kaljuste)
Vertu Engedred is the Flour: Four
ShostakovichSymphony No. 14 (Magdalena Hajossyová, Peter Mikulás, Czecho-Slovak Radio Symphony Orchestra, Ladislav Slovák):
On the Alert
Look Here, Madame!
At the Santé Jail
Zaporozhye Cossacks Reply to the Sultan of Constantinople
O Delvig, Delvig!
ShostakovichSymphony No. 14:
The Poet's Death
Miles DavisIn a Silent Way/It's About That Time
Olivia Tremor ControlThe Opera House
Nick DrakeWay to Blue
Modest MouseConvenient Parking
Francisco TarregaCapricho Árabe (Ana Vidovic)
SchubertGefror'ne Tränen (Dietrich Fischer-Dieskau, Gerald Moore)
Louis Armstrong and Duke EllingtonI Got It Bad and That Ain't Good
BartókSenkim a világon (I Have No One in the World) (Benjamin Britten Vocal Ensemble, Miklós Szabó)
Vertu Engedred is the Flour: Five
Mission of BurmaThe Ballad of Johnny Burma
Talking HeadsElectric Guitar
The Flaming LipsYoshimi Battles the Pink Robots pt. 1
David BowieDrive-In Saturday
PJ HarveyOne Line
Frank BlackPie in the Sky
The SmithsWhat She Said
Elvis CostelloBlame It On Cain
Built to SpillSidewalk
Tom WaitsLost in the Harbour
The Beach BoysHere Today
Billie HolidayYou've Changed
WilcoAshes of American Flags
The SmithsOscillate Wildly
Belle and SebastianDirty Dream Number Two
Elvis CostelloFish n' Chip Paper
The White StripesApple Blossom
The Magnetic FieldsYeah! Oh, Yeah!
PavementStarlings of the Slipstream
SparklehorseIt's a Wonderful Life